My child’s BFRB is waving at us. Now what?
Dear Ones,
Last week I had a getaway to the beautiful Oregon Coast. The first time I walked to the beach my dear Aunt Kathy was with me and when we first saw the ocean she said joyfully “Look, it’s waving at us!” This filled my heart SO much and also tickled my funny bone- a perfect combination of feelings in my book. What a soothing comfort to watch the waves come and go with someone who is dear to me.
Returning home, I received an email from a mom whose daughter has been in my Origami Story Clubs.
“Hi Jen,
After a really good summer of being pull-free, my daughter is showing a resurgence of trich, mostly with eyebrows and lashes. I don't know if people call it relapses or not. She's not really sure what's going on. A lot of things are changing. For example, her dad is currently out of town for the week. School starts in three weeks, at a new school. She started a new ADHD med. Puberty signs grew this summer. My question is - how do I handle it? There are so many factors that make it hard to tease out what's going on. Do I say anything more? Let it be for now?
Thanks for any supporting ideas you might have. This is such a hard journey as parents.
Sincerely,
(Caring Mom)”
If your child has a BFRB, I bet you can relate to this mom’s concerns and confusion. Not to mention the worry! I’ll share the ideas for support that I wrote to Caring Mom later in this post, but my first thought this morning was of my sweet Aunt Kathy and her comment about the ocean “Look, it’s waving at us!” The ocean is so reliable in the ebb and flow. The waves come and go, the tides come and go. We can count on this again and again without stress, fear, or worry.
When BFRBs come and go though, it is an entirely different experience! It’s sure hard to imagine greeting them as enthusiastically as my aunt greeted the ocean, but what would it feel like if we could observe these ebbs and flows in a different way? If you’re like most people the ebbs feel so good. Thank goodness and what a relief! We might even give ourselves and our kids a pat on the back. But the return? Not so much, in fact, not at all! They can feel like a punch in the gut. After all of your efforts to support your child it can feel like a failure. What if all of the things you tried weren’t really the solution? What if this only gets worse?
I offer you an alternative, even a challenge. These fears will come and go, but if you look closely there are moments of quiet when the waves are in between. In these moments, whether or not your child is picking or pulling, you might notice a smile on their face. Maybe you see them being gentle with a pet, or making something creative with their hands. Maybe the two of you take time for some self-care or fun together. In those moments, between the waves of fear, can you find some relief of your own? With a full head of hair and unblemished skin, it is easier to see the joy in your child’s face. What would it take for you to let yourself notice those moments of ease when those precious eyelashes are missing or the bald patches are glaring at you? In those moments, I invite you to give yourself credit. You are doing your very best. Your child is doing their very best. The waves of joys, sorrows, picking and pulling are going to come and go. I always always always hope for you and your child that there are more joys and relief from BFRBs, but I also know that you are both resilient. I know that the connection you have with each other is bigger than any of the ebbs and flows. Please, give yourselves the biggest pat on the back. Of all the times you could use it, it is now, in the midst of this challenge.
As promised, here are some of the ideas I shared with that caring mom:
Sometimes increases (or decreases) in picking or pulling are explainable, and other times it’s really a mystery. Try not to take it personally either way.
Remember your important values and hopes for your child as the measure of success. As hard as it is as a parent, it's better for her to pull and be engaged in life than not pull and be hiding out or avoiding all stress.
Acknowledge the current changes- with yourself and with your daughter. A small chat could go a long way for both of you in validating the current situation.
Definitely keep "letting it be" as an option in your toolkit. Although you won’t give up on supporting her and doing things to up the odds that her pulling reduces, “letting it be” can take some pressure off both of you.
A few concrete ideas for support and connection:
1. Sign up for my free “Parent Support Starter Kit” that has information, parent support resources, journal prompts, and a mini Origami Story Club video to watch together.
2. Reach out to your support system and other parents who have children with BFRBs. Follow the Origami Story Club Facebook page or other parenting groups if you could use a larger community of support.
3. Schedule a Parent Support Call with me. In our hour together you will have my full attention and benefit from my education, experience working with kids with BFRBs, and my own lived experience. You will walk away feeling heard and supported, and will leave with at least one practical idea to support you and for your child.
4. Sign your child up for a private or group virtual Origami Story Club. Follow this link for more information about the clubs and sign up information.
Thank you Caring Mom and ALL you caring parents for continuing to do your very best in supporting your child. Thank you for the trust you’ve placed in me to support you. As Caring Mom said in her letter “This is such a hard journey”. Please remember that you do not have to walk the path alone. So many parents have either been there, or are in the midst of worry right at this very moment. If you didn’t already give yourself that pat on the back, please take a minute to do that right now. Even better, give yourself a big hug and then go give your kiddo a squeeze or tell them something you love about them. You’re gonna get through this, and I’ll be here to support you along the way.
