How Do You Know When You’ve Done Enough for Your Child with a BFRB?

Dear Ones,

This week I was sharing with my husband how I feel like I need to add more to the Origami Story Clubs that I offer.  I sprinkle information about BFRBs, teach some coping and self sooth skills, and provide a safe space for kids to share if they want, but I still have this uncomfortable feeling that there should be more.  Usually he has quick answers, but he paused and was thoughtful.  “It seems like what you are doing is enough.”  If you’ve ever spent time with me you know that I usually have a quick answer too, but this time I didn’t have anything to say.  After letting his words soak in, I just said “thank you” and felt a moment of relief.

Can you relate to that uncomfortable sense of note doing enough? It can be such a sticky thought that never seems to be soothed. “Am I doing enough.”  It’s almost not even a question, but more of a statement, an uggg.  This is such a painful place to be.  For deep down, when we sit with the pain, we realize that what we do for our children will never feel like enough!  Our own human-ness, limitations, and life responsibilities just get in the way of us doing all the things we wish we could do.  For parents of children who just can’t seem to stop pulling out their hair or picking their skin, this strong sense of wanting to do everything to help our child can be pervasive and take up a lot of mental space and time.  But to support our children well, this urge to fix things and find every possible solution doesn’t necessarily serve us, or them.

First, I want to validate and celebrate all the hard work you’ve done to love, support and accept your child just as they are, while also seeking out resources and solutions for their struggles.  It is worthwhile to seek out information.  If you are reading this, you are doing just that, good on you!

But what if you are spending more time doing this, more time stressing, than you are enjoying time with your child and family?  What would be some signs for you that you have tipped into an imbalance?  Besides measuring picking or pulling, what are ways that you notice you are being the kind of parent you want to be?  Sit with this question for a minute.  Why?  Well it’s highly possible that your child is feeling a similar sense of “not doing enough” about their own hair pulling or skin picking.  They try and they try, but no matter what they do they inevitably end up back in that pulling or picking where they just wish they could stop.  You and I know though, that it’s just not that easy!

I invite you to ponder, what could be enough for today?  A friend of mine shared that he writes down a “win of the day” in his journal at the end of the day.  I’m not often organized enough to write it, but when I’m discouraged it always feels good to remember this as I’m resting before bed. There’s plenty I haven’t done, but what did I accomplish? What were the moments that I was truly present with the people I love?

As you continue to support your child and navigate this BFRB parenting journey, take some time this week to think about your wins of the day.  Drop me an email and share them with me!  Let’s support our kids and each other in finding our very own “enough-ness”.

If you are looking for some new types of support, please check out the resources in my PS!

PS- While you’re at it, please also consider these opportunities for you and your child!

1. Sign up for my free "Parent Support Starter Kit" that has information, parent support resources, journal prompts, and a mini Origami Story Club video to watch together.

2. If you haven’t already, join the OSC for Parents Supporting Kids with BFRBs Facebook Group where you can connect with other parents, get support, and learn about resources and opportunities for you and your child.

3.  Schedule a Parent Support Call with me.  In our hour together you will have my full attention and benefit from my education, experience working with kids with BFRBs, and my own lived experience.  You will walk away feeling heard and supported, and will leave with at least one practical idea to support you and for your child.

4. Sign your child up for a private or group virtual Origami Story Club.  Follow this link for more information about the clubs and sign up information.